Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Keepers of the NC-17
by DiamondPickle994
Summary: A human is transformed into a Larvitar (God knows how) and meets a Deerling (and other Pokémon) and they become a rescue team. (Rated M for Swearing, Drug abuse, and Strong sexual content.) (NOT FOR CHILDREN!) (DON'T COPY WHAT THE CHARACTERS DO IN THIS STORY, IT IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.)
1. Chapter 1: Awakening

College student, Rexy Furger already felt his eyes heavy as he woke up. But around him was nothing but darkness, he couldn't even see himself.

"What the fuck is going on?" He asked.

**"Welcome to the world of Pokémon." **Said a mysterious voice.

"Who the hell are you?!" Rexy demanded. "And what's this about world of Pokémon?! How much crack did I smoke last night?"

"**Before we begin, I have some questions, first are you male, female or other?**" Asked the voice.

"I'm male, jackass." Answered Rexy, coldly.

"**Next, what would you do if someone is bullying you?**" The voice asked.

"I fucking kill their asses, that's what I do!" Exclaimed Rexy.

"**Next, what do you do when you meet a hot chick?**" Asked the voice.

"Easy, I show her my dick." Rexy said. "No bitch can resist the might of my cock."

"**Thank you for answering.**" The Voice said. "**You seem to be the fucked up type. You spend a life devoted to drugs and hot bitches.**"

"You bet your ass that's true!" Exclaimed Rexy.

"**Anyways, the fucked up type like you, will be a Larvitar!**" The voice announced.

"Larvitar?" Rexy asked. "I'm a fucking Larvitar?!"

"**Yes.**" The Voice said. "**Now quit being a little bitch and move your ass. We're going to the Pokémon world.**"

"Fuck you!" Shouted Rexy, as his surroundings turned white.

Later, he woke up, groggily.

"Ugh, it's like College all over again." Rexy said. "What the fuck happened?"

He then looked at his reflection in a lake, and his face was not a human, but a Larvitar.

"What the fuck?!" He exclaimed. "Am I a fucking Larvitar?!"

He then felt his head. It was longer than he remembered his human head being.

"Is that a second dick?!" He exclaimed. "I have a second dick on my head?"

He noticed a village in the distance.

"Hmm, maybe there's someone there who could help me." Rexy said.

He ran to the village, then a Roggenrola jumped in his path.

"Outta my way, dick-head!" Rexy exclaimed.

"You want me gone?" Asked Roggenrola. "Fight me, bitch."

"I'm too high for this shit!" Exclaimed Rexy, who defeated the Roggenrola in a single tackle.

Rexy didn't know what happened, how he became a Larvitar, and he he was sent to the Pokémon world, and he just didn't give a shit. His only concern was getting to the village.

Suddenly, a Woobat appeared.

"I don't... like wearing panties." The Woobat said. "I prefer wearing thongs."

"What the actual shit?" Asked Rexy.

To get himself together, he reached for his bong, but it wasn't with him.

"Shit!" He exclaimed. "Where's my fucking bong?!"

He decided, 'fuck it!', and defeated the Woobat with a scratch and tackle.

On the way, he found an orb.

"If only this orb was pot." Rexy said to himself.

Finally, after a motherfucking while, Rexy finally arrived at the goddamn village.

"I finally arrived at this goddamn village." Rexy said.

* * *

**(Meanwhile:)**

Charmese, the Summer form Deerling, was minding her own business, but then, she heard a voice.

"**Charmese...**" The Voice said.

"What the hell?!" Charmese said. "Jumanji? Danny? Danniel? Alicia? If that's any of you, it's not funny!"

"**This isn't one of the four you mentioned.**" The voice said. "**You must go find a Larvitar named Rexy. He will become your partner, and will stick with you through thick and thin.**"

"Huh?" Charmese asked. "Am I support to fuck him in a porta-potty or something?" She asked.

"**No. Just trust me. You won't regret finding him.**" The Voice said.

"Alright." Charmese said. "Perhaps he can releave my stress from the fucking school I go to every fucking day!"

She went to find him. Eventually, they did encounter, by an accidental head collision. They both screamed.

"Argh! Motherfucking cock sucker!" Rexy exclaimed.

"Argh! Shit scooping dick licker!" Charmese exclaimed.

"Huh?" The both said simultaneously.

"Are you Rexy?" Asked Charmese.

"Yeah." Rexy said. "Got any pot?"

"A lot of it." Charmese answered. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Pretty fucking sure I am!" Rexy said.

**And so, that is the beginning of the story of a human who turned into a Larvitar. Now that, is some bullshit!**

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2: The Crew Assembles

Rexy and Charmese were smoking pot near the village's school. Rexy had told Charmese about how he was a human.

"You were a fucking human?!" Charmese exclaimed, in astonishment.

"Yeah, some prick turned me into this Larvitar!" Rexy replied. "It feels like I have a second dick on my head!"

"How much of this crack were you smoking?" Charmese asked.

"The fuck you on about?" Rexy asked.

"It's unbelievable as fuck that you were a human!" Charmese replied. "I thought those were only in fairytales."

"Fairytales?" Rexy asked. "What, did you pull that out of your ass or some shit?!"

"You may seem like an utter pothead, but you're not as bad as Jumanji or Danny." Charmese said. "Those two hate each other, but only bond over crack. I'll show you."

Charmese lead Rexy to a Riolu and Tepig, both with bongs and both with red eyes from the crack.

"I am so fucking high right now!" The Riolu said.

"No one gives a shit, Jumanji!" The Tepig replied. "People care more about this brawler!"

"Danny, you're no brawler!" Jumanji said. "You're a big, fat, pork-chop-looking fuck!"

"Oh, am I?" Danny asked. "Am I a pork-chop-looking fuck?"

"That's enough you two." A passing Vulpix said.

"Hey, bacon strip!" Jumanji said to Danny. "It's Danniel!"

"Hey, Danniel!" Daniel said. "Show us your clit!"

"As high as you are perverts, I see." Danniel said. "Alright, while you two are gonna be rubbing your dicks together, I'm gonna go look for Alicia."

"Wow, those two are fucked up!" Rexy said.

"Yes." Charmese agreed. "They are fucked up."

"Hey, Charmese!" Danny called. "Who's this asshole you brought here?"

"Ha! He looks like he has a dick on his head!" Jumanji sneered.

"Well, if this was a dick, it was definitely inside your mom last night!" Rexy replied.

"Ooooh! Burn!" Danny shouted.

"Fuck off, Danny!" Jumanji shouted.

"Wait, whose Alicia." Rexy asked.

"She's a female Nidoran, and she's good friends with Danniel." Charmese explained. "The two usually get drunk together."

"Oh." Rexy said. "But, where am I gonna stay tonight?"

"I know someone who'll take you in." Charmese said. "Follow me."

Charmese lead Rexy to a Sylveon, outside her home, smoking tobacco.

"Miss Sylveon, my friend here has nowhere to go." Charmese said.

"Oh, perhaps he could stay with me. Although, I don't know how my husband would react." Sylveon replied. "He'll probabily do what he always does: get drunk on the sofa and watch the game."

"Thanks, Charmese." Rexy said. "And thanks for the pot."

"Don't mention it." Charmese replied. "Although, can we meet up tomorrow? There's something we need to discuss."

"Alright." Rexy replied. "See you tomorrow."

After they parted ways, Sylveon lead Rexy into the house, inside, a Slaking was laying on a sofa, watching a football game, and drinking beer.

"Deary!" Sylveon called. "Hope you don't mind that someone is staying with us for a while!"

"Shut up, woman!" The Slaking shouted "I'm trying to watch the game!"

"Hold on." Sylveon said to Rexy. "You seem to be of school age."

"I'm in college." Rexy replied.

"Oh." Sylveon replied. "However, because there's no college, I'll have to enroll you in the Village's school for a while. You wait here, while I go enroll you. Be back soon."

Before Rexy could protest, she left. Rexy decided to check on Slaking. When Rexy entered the living room, Slaking looked at him.

"So, you're the one my wife was talking about." Slaking said. "Listen, I don't give a damn what my wife thinks. She should know how hard it is to be a Slaking! Now, why don't you make yourself useful, and go get me another beer, you piece of shit!"

Not wanting to anger Slaking, Rexy went to get a multi pack of beer cans.

"Keep this coming, and we'll get along just fine, boy." Slaking said.

What the hell is wrong with this guy? He doesn't even give a shit about his wife! If he doesn't, why did he even marry her in the first place? All he cares about is beer, laying around, and watching the game! Sylveon needs to divorce his ass ASAP! Speaking of which, she came back.

"Okay, Rexy, I've got you enrolled in the village school." Sylveon said. "You start tomorrow, so you'd best head to bed to get an early start. Come on, I'll show you where your room is."

**So, you may wonder, what will become of Rexy? Well, if you're a human who was somehow turned into a Larvitar, eventually, no one gives a shit.**

To be continued...


	3. Chapter 3: First Day

After a long ass night of sleeping and dreaming of hot bitches, Rexy went downstairs where Sylveon was already waiting for him.

"Hi, Rexy." She greeted. "I'll walk you to school."

After they left the house, Rexy asked Sylveon:

"How are you married to that Slaking?!"

She sighed, and told him.

"I thought he was the one for me at first, until he became a complete dick! I hate him, but I can't leave him, because I don't have anything. Usually, when he gets drunk, he shits on the carpet, and expects me to clean it up all the fucking time."

Rexy patted her on the shoulder.

"You deserve better than that douchebag!" He told her.

"Th-thank you." She replied. "I'd be nice if he didn't shit on the carpet, though! He can't expect me to clean it all the goddamn time! If it was up to me, he'd be sent to the land of DeviantArt!"

"The land of DeviantArt?" Asked Rexy.

"It's like hell in the Pokémon world." Sylveon explained. "Or it might as well be. If you commit serious crimes here in the Pokémon world, you'll be sent there. Some who've been sent there have never come back out, and those who have were never the same again."

"Damn. That's dark." Rexy said.

"Yes." Sylveon agreed. "Fucked up, isn't it?"

The school was an open field where the desks were all made of wood. There was a camera projector in a little shelter to protect it from heavy rainstorms, and the offices were all little huts.

On the walls, there was graffiti all over the walls. Graffiti like:

**I have warts on my cock**

**I came in your mom's pussy last night**

**I wanna fuck a hooker in the ass**

**My ass is on fire from eating Taco Bell**

Rexy already knew the school was full of hoodlums. He noticed that Charmese, the deerling he met yesterday, was at one of the desks. What was the thing she wanted to talk to him about? Did she want to fuck him in a porta potty or something?

Sylveon lead him into the hut in the middle. It was the principle's office. In the room was an Azumarill, Umbreon, and Gothitelle.

"Principle Gothitelle." Sylveon greeted.

"Ah, Mrs Sylveon." Gothitelle replied. "Welcome. Is this the Larvitar you told me about yesterday?"

"Yes." Sylveon answered. "His name is Rexy."

"Hello." Rexy greeted. "Where the hoes at?"

"Hoes?" Asked Gothitelle, who then decided to change the subject quickly before things escalated. "Uh, I'm the principle, Umbreon is the vice-principle, and Azumarill shall be your teacher."

"Well, I'll see you at home, Rexy." Sylveon said. "I gotta go clean my husband's shit off the fucking carpet again."

Sylveon left, and Azumarill lead Rexy to his seat. His seat was next to Charmese, who was next to Danniel. Rexy was on the right of Charmese, Danniel was on the left. Behind them, from left to right, was a female Nidoran, Jumanji, and Danny. Rexy noticed the name on the nametag on the desk the Nidoran was sitting at. 'Alicia'. It was the female Nidoran Charmese told him about yesterday. Behind the female Nidoran, Riolu, and Tepig, from left to right, was a Karrablast, Machop, and Patrat. The latter had a scheming look on it's face.

"Good that you're here, Rexy." Charmese said. "The thing I wanted to tell you about is..."

She would've finished her sentence if Azumarill didn't walk into the classroom, or in this case, class field.

"Alright, class, we will be watching a video on the Pokémon who have been sent to the land of DeviantArt. The tape is near the projector, and will be displayed on the screen. But, before we begin, I must use the restroom. I'll be back." She said.

The moment she left, the Patrat got up, walked to the monitor, took out the video, replaced it with a different video, and returned to it's desk, just as Azumarill was returning.

"Now that I'm back, let's start the video." Azumarill said. "Patrat, please start the video."

"Yes, miss." Patrat said.

Hiding a snicker, he pressed play on the projector. And on the screen, it played certain music and showed a certain logo of two words and two numbers:

**2 girls 1 cup**

When the music started, Patrat covered his eyes quickly. The video played grossed out the entire classroom, including Azumarill.

Finally, the video ended, and the desks were covered in vomit.

"W-who replaced the video?!" Azumarill demanded.

"It was the Larvitar! I saw him do it!" The Patrat shouted.

"Hey!" Rexy shouted. "You sneaky little fucker! You covered your eyes, and I saw YOU put it in!"

"Yeah!" Charmese agreed. "You put on that shitty video!"

"Don't go blaming the new kid, dickface!" Shouted Jumanji.

"You know YOU did it!" Shouted Danny.

"I can't believe you would do this!" Shouted Danniel.

"I've never been more disgusted in my life!" Shouted Alicia.

"Karrablast, Machop, back me up here!" Demanded Patrat.

"No way, dude!" Machop exclaimed.

"You're the one who did this!" Karrablast agreed.

"Enough!" Shouted Azumarill. "Patrat, you know your ass did this! I noticed you out of your seat when I was returning! Now, since you caused all this, and since you tried to frame the new kid, you're going to clean the entire classroom of this shit!"

"WHAT!" Patrat exclaimed.

"The rest of you are excused to leave because of this madness." Azumarill said. "I'll be notifying your guardians about this, starting with Patrat's! Class dismissed!"

On his way back to Sylveon's house, Rexy was stopped by Charmese.

"Rexy, wait!" Charmese called. "I'm glad I caught you."

"So, what did you want to tell me?" Rexy asked.

"Well, I can trust you when I tell you this." Charmese said. "My dream is to join an adventuring Pokémon team called the Pokémon Environment Nationally Investigation Society."

"You want to join a rescue team called PENIS?" Rexy asked.

There was a moment of silence and staring.

"Oh shit-sandwhich!" Charmese exclaimed. "It doesn't matter what they're called!"

"Jeez, calm down." Rexy exclaimed. "I'm sure you'll join them soon."

"Thanks." Charmese said.

When Rexy got back to the house, Slaking and a Sylveon were arguing.

"I don't wanna clean your shit off the carpet!" Sylveon shouted.

"Why not?!" Demanded Slaking. "I thought you loved cleaning shit off the carpet since you do it so much!"

"I never did, you dick!" Sylveon exclaimed. "I only first started cleaning shit since you starting shitting on the fucking carpet!"

"I can't help it if I get the urges to shit on carpets!" Slacking shouted.

"I see that you also get urges to be a jackass!" Sylveon shouted.

They kept screaming at one another, so Rexy creeped into the living room and switched the television on.

"**And today on the I'ma Weiner show, two contestants see who can snort the most Cocaine off the most hooker's tits!**" Said the show host. "**I really need overtime pay.**"

"Fuck yeah!" Rexy exclaimed. "I fucking love this fucking show! It's better than that shit video."

To be continued...


	4. Capter 4: First Dungeon Part 1

Later that night, while Rexy was TRYING to get to sleep, he could hear Sylveon and Slaking yelling from downstairs.

"Why do you feel the need to shit on the carpet all the goddamn time?!" Asked Sylveon.

"Why do YOU feel the need to be a bitch all the goddamn time?!" Asked Slaking.

"You are fucking impossible!" Shouted Sylveon. "You know that?"

"Says the Breast Cancer Dog!" Retorted Slaking.

(Don't take offence to this, this is supposed to be a adult comedy story.)

A loud slap could be heard.

"Ah! Fuck!" Shouted Slaking. "You probably use those ribbons to wipe your own ass!"

"Arceus!" Exclaimed Sylveon. "What is wrong with you!"

"What's wrong with me?!" Demanded Slaking. "I'm not the one who slapped their fucking spouse, you stupid whore!"

"Will you both shut your asses up?!" Yelled Rexy. "I'm trying to get some fucking sleep and dream about hot bitches!"

"Sorry, Rexy." Said Rexy. "My husband is just being a complete dick!"

"You don't call me a dick!" Shouted Slaking. "Ignore her, boy! She's a vapid slut!"

"You always gotta be grumpy, do you?" Sylveon Asked. "You were grumpy when we first met, you were grumpy on our first date, you were grumpy during our wedding..."

"I didn't marry you to listen to your big mouth!" Slaking Shouted.

"Whatever's in those beers you drink are changing you!" Exclaimed Sylveon.

"They're making me more of a man!" Slaking exclaimed.

"I married you because I thought you were the one for me!" Exclaimed Sylveon.

"You would've looked better as a Vaporeon, like Machamp's Wife!" Slaking Shouted.

Sylveon gasped with horror.

"What the hell did you say to me, fucker?!" Sylveon demanded.

"Are your ears in your own asshole?" Slaking Asked. "Machamp's Wife is hotter than you, and always will be!"

"You're sleeping on the couch!" She Shouted.

"Good!" Slaking replied. "Who would share a bed with you?!"

"Umbreon would've, That's who!" Sylveon Shouted.

Slaking was shaking with anger.

"UMBREON?!" He Shouted at the top of his lungs. "I don't need to put up with this!"

Slaking opened the front door, walked through it, and slammed it behind him. Sylveon went after him.

"Where do you think you're going?!" She demanded.

"I'm going to stay with Machamp for the night!" Slaking Shouted.

"Good, perhaps you could shit on his carpet instead of ours!" Sylveon Shouted before slamming the door shut.

Then, she went up to Rexy's room, and said to him.

"Rexy, I really hate Slaking, and I wanna divorce him, but I don't have anything, and I'm worried he's gonna beat me to death if I do divorce him. So tomorrow, after I drop you off at school, I'll need you to call the police and have them keep an eye on him in case he tries anything."

"Alright." Rexy Said. "But, who's Umbreon?"

"Umbreon was my first boyfriend. I dated him before I married Slaking. He always treated me well." Sylveon explained. "Then, one day, he just vanished. No one could find him, he didn't answer his calls, texts or voicemails. Not even the police could find him. One day, however, he was found dead in a confusing mess. They later descovered he was shot to death by an unknown assailant."

"Whoa." Said Rexy. "That's fucked up."

"Yes, it is fucked up." Agreed Sylveon. "Anyways. I'm going to bed. See you in the morning."

"Goodnight." Rexy Said, as she walked out of the room.

* * *

(The next morning)

"Rexy, is it okay if you walk to school today?" She asked. "I feel like shit from all the hell Slaking put me through last night."

"Alright." Rexy Said. "You rest, while I experience hell at the fucking school."

Rexy left. In the way, he heard the voice of Slaking shouting.

"Hey! Gimme my keys!"

"You are too drunk to drive!" Yelled another voice.

"Gimme my fucking keys you ass-wrecker!" Yelled Slaking.

Rexy didn't give it anymore thought, and walked to school faster. Although, on the way, he used his phone to send an anonymous tip to the police about a drunk Slaking going on a rampage.

At school, Patrat was making comments on Charmese's ass.

"Hey, Charmese, your best subject must be Ass-tromony!" Patrat said.

Charmese inhaled through the nose, exhaled through her mouth, and turned to Patrat.

"Make another comment about my goddamn ass again!" She said. "I will grow a dick, cover it with sandpaper, and fuck you with it!"

"Would you fuck me without the dick?" Patrat Asked.

"Hell no!" Charmese replied. "And i don't know anyone who would! Probably only people with no standards!"

"I love it when a girl talks dirty!" Said Patrat.

"You're such an ass!" Charmese exclaimed.

"You love it when I'm an ass." Patrat said.

"Fuck you, Patrat!" Shouted Charmese.

"How hard?" Asked Patrat.

Charmese groaned.

"If he makes another sexual comment or any type of comment on fucking me again, I'll grate his balls on a cheese grater!" She said to herself.

"You spring form Deerling are all alike." Patrat Said.

"I'm a Summer form Deerling, you perverted twat!" Charmese exclaimed.

"Whatever." Patrat Said.

Then, Azumarill walked into the classroom.

"Alright class, today, we will be exploring a dungeon."

"Fuck yeah!" Jumanji and Danny Shouted, simultaneously. "Jinx! Double jinx! Triple jinx! Quadruple ji-."

"Jumanji! Danny! Shut the fuck up!" Azumarill Yelled. "Anyways, the dungeon we will be exploring is called: Cave Of Your Mother."

"Cave Of Your Mother?" Rexy asked. "What is my mother doing in a cave?"

"The cave doesn't have your mother in it, dumbass!" Alicia exclaimed. "It's just the name of the dungeon."

"The objective of this dungeon is to explore it until you find the core, and find the golden bong. Whoever's team finds the golden bong first wins." Azumarill explained.

"Teams?" Rexy Asked.

"Whenever we go explore a dungeon, we get put into teams of two." Charmese explained. "Unfortunately, I usually get partnered with Patrat."

"Today, here are the teams." Azumarill said. "Team one will be Charmese and Rexy."

"Thank Arceus!" Charmese exclaimed.

"What!" Patrat Exclaimed. "I wanted to be partnered with Charmese!"

"Well, you can't!" Charmese exclaimed. "Because you're a little bitch boy!"

"Ooh, Azumarill!" Patrat Said. "Charmese called me a little bitch boy!"

"Well, because you are!" Azumarill said. "Anyways, Team two will be Jumanji and Danny."

"Oh great!" Jumanji said. "I'm stuck with Bacon Boy!"

"What did you call me, asshole?!" Danny Said. "I oughta take a steaming shit down your fucking throat!"

"Both of you shut up!" Azumarill. "Now, Team three will be Danniel and Alicia. Oh, but try not to get drunk this time. We don't need a repeat of last time."

"What happened last time?" Asked Rexy.

"They got so drunk, they puked on everyone, and pissed in each other's mouths." Charmese explained.

"Lastly, Team four will be Machop and Karrablast." Azumarill finished.

"Hey!" Patrat Exclaimed. "Why aren't I in a team?"

"Because you played 2 Girls 1 Cup yesterday." Explained Azumarill. "Now let's head to the dungeon."

"This is fucking bullshit!" Patrat Exclaimed.

"What was that word, young man?" Asked Azumarill.

(Later, outside the dungeon)

"Okay, everyone, this is the entrance to the cave. Be careful. There are four different entrances and paths. Each team will take one path." Azumarill explained.

"Finding a golden bong." Said Rexy. "I'm hoping we find it soon for two different reasons."

"I hear you, Rexy." Charmese agreed. "How about whoever sees it first gets the first hit."

"Done." Rexy said.

"Okay, good luck to all of you." Azumarill said, who then lit a cigarette.

(At this point, all the teams will be in the dungeon, and there will be a perspective of each team taking their paths or some shit. Anyway, in the dungeon, the first boss will appear, but, which asshole will attack our heroes?)

(Rexy And Charmese)

"So, how long were you putting up with that douchebag Patrat?" Rexy Asked.

"Months." Charmese answered. "That prick has given me more headaches than my father had alcohol-related migraines."

"Just ignore that cock-sucker!" Rexy Said. "There are lines even I won't cross! If a woman didn't give me consent, that would be fine with me, but that buck-toothed fuck won't back off!"

"I know, right?" Charmese replied.

(Jumanji and Danny)

"Why the fuck do I have to work with ol' Bacon Dick right here?" Jumanji asked himself.

"You call me Bacon Dick again, I'll burn your goddamn balls off! Don't fuck with this pig, bitch!"

"You got any pot?" Jumanji Asked.

"Is my ex-girlfriend a whore?" Danny Asked.

"You don't have an ex-girlfriend, dick-nips!" Jumanji Said.

"I was making a joke, dumbass!" Danny replied. "And yes, a lot of pot."

"Fuck yeah!" Jumanji Exclaimed.

(Danniel And Alicia)

"Really, they did it again." Alicia Asked.

"Yep." Danniel replied. "It happens every time they get high."

"If they sexually harass you again, I'll bite both of their dicks off!" Alicia replied. "Need a drink?"

"Does Spongebob have a hole-y penis?" Danniel Asked.

"Spongebob?" Alicia Asked.

"I'm saying yes." Danniel explained. "He probably does though."

(Machop And Karrablast)

"Isn't it weird that Slaking stayed the night at my house last night?" Machop Asked. "What's more, my dad went to a motel to not put up with Slaking's bullshit. Can't say I blame him. Oh, and last night. I could hear loud noises coming from my mom's room when Slaking went in there. She yelled: 'Harder! Faster! You're better than Machamp' I don't know why."

"That's fucked up, dude." Karrablast replied. "Dude, that's fucked up."

**(Rexy appears in the author's room)**

**"Now, DiamondPickle994 wants to say that he's making this chapter a two-parter." Rexy Said. "Now fuck off!"**

**(The author comes into the room.)**

**(Switching to script mode)**

**Rexy: Oh Shit!**

**Author: What the hell are you doing in my room for.**

**Rexy: Masturbating on your bed.**

**Author: Oh, you wanna be a little smartmouth, don't you, ya little jackass?!**

**(Author types: Rexy descovered he now has Erectile Dysfunction and Impotence.)**

**Rexy: You motherfucker! You better make my cock work again! Or I'm gonna Rock Slide your ass!**

**Author: Suck my dick, Cum-Puddle!**

To be continued...


	5. Chapter 5: First Boss

**"Yo! This is Rexy! Coming from DiamondPickle994's writing quarters." Rexy greeted. "He's busy with some bullshit at the moment. And now that I don't have Erectile Dysfunction anymore, here's what's happening: Journeying deep into The Cave Of Your Mother, me and Charmese encounter our first boss. Because that's what happens in the mystery dungeon games. Before the final boss, there will be eight bosses. But, which asshole is facing my wrath first? Find out in..."**

**Suddenly, The Author came in.**

**"You again?!" He exclaimed. "Stop coming in here, you little bastard!"**

**"Try me, Dickwad!" Rexy replied.**

**"Now you're gonna get it, you little fucker!" The Author shouted.**

**(Onto the show)**

* * *

(Rexy And Charmese just defeated the 69th Grimer.)

"If I have to fight one more Goddamn Grimer, I'm going to shit out my own dick!" Rexy complained.

"I hear you!" Charmese agreed. "We've been here for over 9,000 hours, and still haven't found the fucking Golden Bong yet. I suppose it's stuck up Arceus' asshole or something?!"

"This very Dungeon is shit!" Rexy exclaimed. "I would rather put my balls in a Feraligatr's mouth while shoving my head up a gay Rapidash's asshole!"

"I swear it!" Charmese exclaimed. "If you gave me that fucking Golden Bong right now, I would suck your Goddamn dick!"

"You're that desperate?" Rexy Asked.

"Hell yes!" Charmese Said. "If you had that Arceus-blessed Golden Bong at this very fucking moment, I would literally suck you dry so hard, your dick would turn inside-out! I just want to get out of this hell hole before I literally piss on a motherfucking electric fence!"

Charmese's face was turning red. Goddamn is she pissed?!

"Charmese! Calm your ass down!" Rexy Exclaimed.

"Fuck that, Rexy!" Charmese Shouted. "This place is hell! It smells worse than a Garbador's ballsack!"

"Hey, Charmese, check this out." Rexy said.

Then, Rexy released a very loud fart.

"That's nothing!" Charmese exclaimed. "Check this out!"

Then, Charmese loud out a large gas that was not only loud, but it shook the entire inside of the cave. The sounds of the loud gas noise Charmese unleashed could be heard from outside of the cave. The walls shook, pebbles crumbled, and enemy Pokemon fled in fear.

"Phew." Charmese said, after finishing. "And you wanna know something else? That didn't even come out of my ass."

"Well, where did it come from?" Rexy asked.

"Oh, just use your imagination there, Rexy." Charmese replied.

* * *

(Meanwhile With Jumanji and Danny.)

"When we find that Goddamn bong, I'm gonna put my dick in it!" Shouted Jumanji.

"Not if I put my dick in it first, motherfucker!" Danny replied. "Oh. and hey! You! The one reading this story! Me and this butthead Jumanji here are working our asses off in this shithole dungeon, and all you are doing is sitting on yours reading about how we suffer here! Like, how in the actual fuck is that even fair?!"

"Who the hell are you talking to?" Jumanji asked.

"I'm talking to that reader laughing at us, dipshit!" Danny replied.

"Who's laughing at us?!" Demanded Jumanji. "I'll find out who they are, and stick their feet in their goddamn ears!"

* * *

(With Danielle and Alicia.)

"N-no fucking way!" Danielle said, completely drunk.

"Yes fucking way!" Alicia replied, also drunk. "He totally said I'd look better with tits! Like, why the hell would I have tits?!"

The, the two drunk chicks noticed a Golbat staring at them.

"Hey, asswipe!" Danielle called. "Is your mouth always open because you can't keep things out of it?"

The Golbat creeped away, unnerved.

* * *

(With Machop and Karrablast.)

"What do you mean Slaking was fucking my Mom?!" Demanded Machop.

"I'm just saying." Karrablast replied. "Judging by the sounds you claimed they were making, that's gotta be it. There's no other explanation."

"Well, now that you think about it, my Mom hasn't really gotten along with Dad." Machop replied. "That's probably why he went to a Motel a few nights ago. But, what would Sylveon think knowing her husband is cheating on her?"

"She probably won't give a shit." Karrablast replied. "Besides, he treated her like crap. I heard them arguing last night."

"Oh." Machop said.

* * *

(Okay, enough of the shitey stalling. Let's get to the fucking boss, beyotches!)

"Charmese, look!" Rexy called. "I found the Bong!"

"No way!" Charmese replied.

There it was, in all it's golden glory. The Golden Bong.

"Fuck yeah!" Charmese yelled.

"I saw it first!" Rexy yelled."I get first hit!"

"And you get something else!" Charmese said. "Remember what I said earlier? If you had that bong I would suck your dick? Well, it's time to..."

"Hold it right there!" A voice yelled.

Suddenly, a drunk Slaking bursted into the area.

"That Bong is mine, ya' buggers!" Slaking yelled. "I ain't letting you get your grimy hands on it!"

"Fuck that!" Rexy replied. "We've been busting our asses off to get that Bong! Plus, I could really use a hit from it now."

"You'll have to take it, you little bastards!" Slaking yelled.

"Well, looks like we gotta fight this jackass." Charmese said. "I'm not restrained."

"Alright, let's beat this sonuvabitch!" Rexy exclaimed.

"I'll pummel both you little shits!" Slaking yelled.

(Insert Mystery Dungeon boss music here.)

Rexy threw a rock at Slaking, (how the hell did he learn Rock Throw?) While Charmese attacked with Double-Kick.

"I'm too tired to counter." Slaking said. "Where's my porn?"

While Slaking was distracted, Rexy took the Golden Bong, and inhaled it.

"W-whoa man!" Rexy yelled. "I feel more powerful! Take this, you fucker!"

Suddenly, Rexy released a powerful stream from his junk that blasted Slaking through the wall.

"You just got defeated by my Powerful Piss!" Rexy yelled.

"What the fuck?" Asked Charmese.

Rexy returned to normal.

"D-did I just piss on Slaking?" He asked.

"I think you did." Charmese said. "Anyways, because you found the Bong so we could get out of this Hell-hole, I'm gonna do what I said I would do. Get ready."

Charmese laid Rexy on his back, opened his legs, you know what happens here.

* * *

(A few moments later)

"And the winning team is Rexy and Charmese." Azumarill announced. "But, you people wouldn't give a shit anyway. Now, get the fuck out."

Charmese's face was covered in a suspicious white and sticky substance. (Bet you can guess what it is.)

"Hey there, Charmese." Patrat said, approaching her. "Ooh, is that Mayonnaise on your face?"

"Uhh, yeah it is." Lied Charmese.

"Mind if I scoop it off your face so I could eat the Mayo with Nachos?" Patrat asked.

"Sure." Charmese said, hiding a giggle.

Patrat used one of the Nachos to scoop the 'Mayo' off Charmese's face into the Nacho bowl.

"Yum, thanks." Patrat said, walking off.

"Did you seriously feed him my...?" Asked Rexy.

"Yep. Sure did." Charmese said. "He deserved it. Hey, you wanna climb on my back, and we'll go to McDonalds?"

"Sounds good." Rexy replied, climbing onto Charmese's back.

"Let's go." Charmese said.

* * *

(At least five minutes later, or was it seven? I don't fucking know.)

"I can't believe those bastards kicked us out of McDonalds!" Charmese exclaimed.

"Well, to be fair, you did piss on that Wooper's fries." Rexy said.

"And YOU threw a rock at that Gurdurr because they made fun of the thing on your head." Charmese replied.

"Whatever, I'm high, and you had my cum on your face." Rexy replied.

"Whatever, see you tomorrow." Charmese replied, after dropping Rexy off at Sylveon's house.

When Rexy got in, Slaking was laying on his Armchair, recliner up, blanket over him, and he was Hungover.

"I told you drinking at day was a bad idea." Sylveon said.

"Get off my back woman." Slaking replied.

"Oh, Rexy, you're back." Sylveon greeted. "I heard you blasted Slaking through a wall while in a Dungeon."

"Boy, she's just buttering you up!" Slaking yelled. "She's a Seviper in the grass!"

"Oh, be quiet." Sylveon said.

* * *

(Later that evening.)

"This place is shit." Rexy said, staring out his window. "I wanna go home.

There was a gentle knock at the door, and Sylveon came in, holding a pile.

"Hey, I know you're not adjusting to this place, but here's something to take your mind off it, and make you feel more welcome." She said.

Sylveon put down the pile, and it was a stash of porn, alcohol, lighters, and bongs.

"I stole these from my husband." Sylveon explained. "Figured you'd like them more. Goodnight, sweetheart."

Sylveon left the room.

"Never mind. I'm staying." Rexy said. "This place rocks."

* * *

**Well, there it is. The chapter I meant to release for God-knows how long. But, what will happen in the next chapter? Who fucking knows? Probably a lot of crazy shit.**

* * *

To be continued...


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